hope you're okay. update soon.

miss you

i have stretch marks too. [i'm bigger then you though] my tummy pokes out too[only worse because again i'm bigger] blah...

 you look great!

i miss talking to you. wanted you to kow i'm back as well.

your ribs are my new thinspo, amazing.

thanks for the other thinspo as well.

-juli

[fadingobsession]

Hey -

I am well! Fat, though. Lol.

Swimming is fantastic toning exercise, too, don't forget that!

Ash

my best friend is smaller then her :'(

i envy them both.

i think you look cute in your pictures on this page.

you kinda favor the girl in the white bra.

i love the sg with the star tattoo's. i'm getting them when i get to my goal weight. my hubby said i could:) [only he thinks my goal eight is 111lbs, when it's 102 maybe 98....]

stay strong

first off, tell the girl who sai you don't have a model body to f off. i've seen plenty of models that are shaped just like you. [gosh doesn't she look at clothing magazines.]

anyways love the first picture of you, it's beautiful. you look amazing as always.

i'd try the modeling thing if i was you. atleast sheet modeling. i was going to get sighned before, and i was the same build as you at the time. [and not nearly as pretty].

my ed is back for good. i started a new diary. if you want the name i'll give it to you. if not that's fine as well....

stay strong starve on-fadingobsession

i think you're super cute.

i know how you feel.

i wish i never would have "tried" to get better. i only ended up gaining 20lbs. now i have to start all over.....again.....

miss you hope you feel better soon.

yayyy!im so glad you're backing and looking happy and healthy :)

thats what makes people beautiful

xxx

Girl, your a knockout!  I have been wondering about you lately.  Wondering and worrying.  Glad you updated!  um...nothing interesting in my life, not really.  Actully there is something but right now, I am afraid to write about it.  I am afraid by writing about it, it will be real ...confusing I know, but I am scared, scared sh*tless to be exact. ANYWAY, I love that last picture too, you can really see your sense of humor coming out.  You remind me of the SNL girls in the last one "OH no you didn't..."  ya know with the fake mexican accent...lol

sorry you're still depressed. i really hope things get better soon. i think you're pictures are super cute, and you do not look fat at all.

i'm doing okay, i have insominia. i have been fasting a lot. i'm not sure if you remember but i was around 165 when my diary started. i had gained back to 159 by january. i am [as of last month, my scale broke  i'm not sure now] at 139lbs now. my ed has taken full control again...i guess that's about the only thing going on in my life right now....kinda not interesting.

glade to know you are alive, i was getting worried.

ily-fadingobsession

you alive honey?

i miss you. i'm worried about you. i hope and pray everything is alright.

loev-Juli

Oh babe!  Hang in there!!!!!

Sending all my love and hugs in your direction!!!!

Hey Sis,

You are NOT killing yourself!  Yes, I was in the hospital and I overdosed and I sliced AND I REGRET it!!!  I will never do something that stupid again, never.  It isn't worth it.  Life DOES get better.  I thought it was the end, I thought my life was over... I had lots of reasons too...

1. Boyfriend and I were over

2. Failing School

3. Mom won't pay for more school even though I only need 2 more classes to graduate

4. This is my 5th year in college and I STILL am not graduating

5. My friends all graduated after 4 years

6. I am stupid in school

7. I have no apartment

8. I have no job

9. I can't stand my family

10. My car is actually my mom's car

11. I have a man in love with me who can only be a friend and I know I have hurt him

12. I am crazy even with my meds

13. I take up space and oxygen

14. I'm ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly

15. I will NEVER be able to stop taking meds

I can continue but I am not going to.  I am instead going to work on lowering that list until it is livable.  You need to fix the things on your list that you can fix and pray about the others.  And take me OFF that list because I am okay!!!

I love you sis!!!!!!

HUGS

Trinity

I cant watch your videos, my computer doesn't download them properly for some reason. But I did see that one from UKs got talent the other day, that was amazing.

How are you doing anyway?

How the hell does the girl in the last video do that!!!

Amazing O.O

Hey!

You and I like just about the same songs...That's kool.

Peace

Lauren.

EXCUSE ME YOUNG LADY???  You are NOT going to kill yourself!  You know I just tried it and you were so upset... I would be so upset if you did it.  You are my SISTER and I NEED you!!!  And I think you need me too!!!  There is NO way I can let you die!!!    I couldn't live without you and that's true.  You mean the world to me!!!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SIS!!!

Trinity

Oh Sis,

You are so beautiful... I am so jealous!!!

I love you!!!

Trinity

Zaria,

How can you tell me to stay strong if you are going to give up?  You saw what I just went through, it was hell... and you helped me and I know you are here for me.  You called me and checked on me, you are one of the few who has stood by me for the years... please don't give up.  YOU KNOW I NEED YOU AND I KNOW YOU NEED ME!!!  We always have... ever since... forever!  If I am stuck on this crappy planet in this misery named life, so are you, dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not fair, I know, that's life.

I love you Sis,

Trinity

AMEN SISTER,

Boy can I relate to both of these!!!  I love you honey!!!

Good poems sis,

But they are really sad. 

I love you hun!!!

zaria, i get on here everyday just to see if you've updated. i would miss you extreamly badly. and it's going to haunt me not knowing if you are dead, or just left after stating that you're going to die. zaria, i want things to get better for you i'm sorry i wish i could do or say something to make you rethink this. i'm praying for you.

please don't die.

ily-Juli

not everybody will forget u. u might be making a huge impact in someones life at the moment. u could make a driffence in the future. so, u can stick around and see. see if ur life gets better. and trust me, it will. dont end ur life. the fact that u have to plan a day so no one will find u shows that u r cared about, dont do it.

                                     Matthew

Zaria, from what I can tell you are a strong, intelligent, amazing, and gorgeous girl!!

The world would suffer if you were taken away from it.

And without reading your diary I would lose a little bit of the motivation it has taken me to turn my life around. Please continue to fight, girlie!

Meaghan

ur beautiful :)

x

i read this and cried. it was like right of my head. i have a husband but most of the time i think he's to good for me and deserves better. it almost makes thigs worse in my head. i to have oded, and hit a vein. i have every disorder you've named minus add, and add social anxity, manic deppression, and extreamly bad panic attacks.

i feel very much like you. it's almost like having an emotional twin.

i'd miss you severly if you were to go all the way next time.

please don't die, zaria, i neep your friendship, it means so much to me.

ily-please, get help, if it means going to a mental health place and staying a while, get help. the world needs you, even when you don't believe it does.

<3 Juli

zaria

i havnt been diagnosed with the things you have but i did used to cut and i know you think it will make u feel better or someone will notice finally and fix everthing thing but it wont and they wont.

i agree with what sarah said you should firstly try to find things about urself that u like. i write a to - do list with stuff to do for school but also for life. maybe you should try it and put some goals on like things you'd like to try, places you'd like to go. a project like saving to travel or somthing may take ur mind of it.

i looked at ur pics with you cat and i think ur beautiful. ur freckles on ur cheek or above it (i think) are so pretty. u definatly have nothing to worry about with ur looks. i think that this diary is good for you to write in. becuase it sounds like its hard for you to talk to those around u.......

i dont know ur dad but my mum sounds like him and she is an alcho and i realized that i am better off without her and she will only drag me down.

good luck, i hope ur feeling better the next time i check up on u x

xxx grace

My Birfdays On The 4th Novemba 2 !!!!  hehe we rock

xxxxx

Im not gone for good. So don't say it was nice knowing you ! Lol. Im still around lurking occasionally I just don't have the time to be too committed temporarily. Okay!

xxxxx

Cute pictures

you are very beautiful & so is your kitty-cat

have you done my questions

I love your hair + lips

=D

Take care

WOW thats cool

[BananaRae]

I really like it, especially the

pronounciation, it's really unique.

i understand what ur saying i want to help thoes who are wores off then me and its not all bad to have a hearing loss ive learned to make jokes with my friends and teachers.. people dont always understand but let some ppl try mine on and they just have a blast with them..

BananaRae

why do u want to help the deaf? i was just wondering because i have hearing aids.

STAY POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sis, you are NOT fat and NOT ugly.  You are one of the prettiest and definately one of the most caring people I know.

Love you,

Trinity

SIS,

PLEASE take your medications.  And don't cut, you know that your mom will not help you pay to fix your scars if you cut, it isn't worth it.  Just don't do it... I know I am a hypocrite but please don't do it.  I don't want you in a hospital again, they are no good for you.  I don't want to lose you again...!!!!!!

I love you too much to let you do this without fighting you.

Hugs,

Trinity

omg omg omg......ur ssooo NOT fat!!!!!

ur pretty!!!
<33

xoxoxoxoxox

You're not fat at all

I think you're really cute

¢¾Bree

i hope everything goes well. please keep us updated.

-fadinobsession

umm...i'm feeling a little ignorant here. enlighten me please, what's pro ana?

whatever it is, im sure everything will be fine. and i know what you're talking about with the whole needing to lose weight thing. i've just been packing on the pounds ever since PE has been over and i just had about 5 pounds of food for dinnner.

Hiya !

OMG !

You burnt 2.619 calories ! How did you do ? I can only burn to 600 calories. Congrats, hun.

you are doing so well.

i've been puring all but one meal, and now i have laxes. so that meal goes too,lol.

glad your mom got her bed. i can't wait to get a bed, we have a mattress in the floor. [that some one gave to us]. we do have a futon in the living room, but it's our couch and we don't want it worn down. i only make $6perhour, and j only makes $6.75. rents $530, utilitys+gas-$100, cable,phone,and internet$125, computer$150. so we have about $915 going out monthly. then we have to put gas in the car, which is $3.15a gallon, and j smokes, and his cigs are $3.67[a pack a day]. then if we have any left we get groucerys, if not, we eat whatever may be left. so far we have no bed:( can't aford it yet:'(

blah, anyways you're doing great. keep it up.

i dyed my hair too, it's a browinsh blonde on top, and black underneath. but i did black under my bangs to so it's different, but cool. my camra got stolen:'(

stay strong starve on-fadingobsession

Hi there Sis,

I love you tons and I don't want you to be sick, please don't do this fast... eat something every day, just one thing... an orange a week is not enough nutrition for you to live long one... please...

I love you and I don't want to lose you!!!

Trinity

Hi Sis,

I wish you would eat something, at least one thing everyday, please?!

I love you and worry about you!!!

Trinity

Hi Sis,

There is nothing I can say to make you feel better and quite honestly, right now I am in basically the same position you are.  I don't want to be here, things are too hard in life.  I am tired of fighting this never-ending battle.  Everytime things get better they get worse again.  But you have to hold on, because... you never know... you don't know why you are here but you have a future and u have plans, u want to help people... deaf and blinde people.  And you help all the people with your church, that is great!  You do have a reason... same as me... to help others... sometimes we care so much about others we forget about ourselves and have trouble helping ourselves, I know I do that too.  Please hold on, for me at least!  I LOVE you and I'm not leaving you so deal with it!!!

Love and Hugs,

Trinity

nice video!!
<33

mwahhz

xoxoxoxox

hehehe, i have entrys like this;)

the girl in the second picture looks alot like you:)

stay strong starve on-fadingobsession

[fadingobsession]

Hi sis,

I like about half of those movies and have not seen the other half!  Thank you for the suggestions.  I hope you are doing okay today!!!  I am so glad that work is over now... 9 hours is a long day, and I have 9 hours again tomorrow.... AHHHHHH, HELP!!!

Well, I am going bowling with my friends tonight for a while, if it isn't too late when I get back I will come online to talk to you, in the mean time, I will text you!  

I love you!!!

Trinity 

Zaria,

You are NOT fat and I better not find out that you are purging!!!  I will be very very very upset and you will so get a nice long boring lecture!!!  But you will deserve it too... I understand starving, but throwing up is SO bad for you! 

I can't believe how nasty that doctor is, he needs to lose his medical degree and license to practice!  That is SO unprofessional, it astounds me.  What a psycho!  I hope he give your records to your new doc.

I hope your sleeping pills work for you, you need sleep.  I have been on trazodone for 3.5 years and it has always worked for me, knock on wood!  Is ure hope I don't become "immune" to it, that sucks so much, when you finally find something works and then it stops, GRRRRR, makes me SO mad!!!

I love you girl!!! 

Trinity

thanks

ive always denied this but i kind of think that the reason i ask for comments is so that people will say im pretty, bc everyone else thinks my 2 best friends r so much prettier than i

and all the boys r in love with them, and i always feel left out on the "hott" scale or when boys r checking them out

<3 michelle

well........90 pounds is waaaaaaaayyyy too thin hun.....listen......im not gonna lecture you...im jus gonna say this...

ur my rlly good frnd tho ur 3 yrs older....take care of urself and dont do anythin to hurt urself cuz u'll cause pain to everyone who loves you includin me,zurria and all ur other frnds!!!!

okies

take care

mwaaahzzz

ily!!

I know! I love the fact that my belly isn't so exposed.  I just had a baby last year so.....yeah...

Hi Sis,

I have contacted you many times!  :-)  HEHE... thanks for the comments, I like the pictures also, hence the fact that I put them up!!!

Love you,

Trinity

They made you gain 95 pounds?! Holy sh*tter, that's nuts. They didn't really focus on putting weight on me, they were more 'stability' kinda thing. I'm short and naturally thin-ish, so it wasn't a lot until I was stable.

Thanks for introducing yourself, a nice touch that nobody bothers with on here =] Meaghan is my name, nice to meet you Zaria!

Go ahead and add me on facebook, too.

wow...thats scary but exciting...thnx for the picture comment....it made me feel better.....!!!!...ily!!!!

anyways.....u dint reply to my commetn on ur last entry.....temme wat u've decided..!!
<333

xoxoxoxoxoxoxx

Hey, that is really scary.  We never had a gunman at our high school but we had bomb and shooting threats.  I am praying for you and everyone at the school.  I do not  understand why someone would do that... I mean, if you want to die then kill yourself but don't kill innocent people.  And I am not telling anyone to kill themselves, I am just saying that it is not right to take innocent lives just because you are unhappy.  I am glad that no one got hurt, hope it stays that way, and hope that they catch the ba$tard.

I am very glad you are safe.  I love you tons!!!

Trinity

it was negitive so i'm back.

can't wait to start back on putting more thinspo togather:)

missed you

-fadingobsession

[purging was my weakness, i loved it*sigh*]

go to the entry 69 on t2tleaders page and fill out the application...

i'm taking a pregnancy test today. if the results are negitive i may be back on this diary for a while.

good luck with everything

Hey Sis,

I am agreeing with what others have said.  David broke your heart and acted like an a$$!!!  He is not your responsibility.  He is an adult and he can get himself help.  You have no control over his actions and he or his "friend" should not be dumping this stuff on you.  You  need to take care of you!!!

Love you,

Trinity

Sis,

You need to stop blaming yourself because it is and was not your fault!  You father was the ADULT making his own decisions.  He knew right from wrong and he went with wrong.  There is nothing you could have done to stop him... he didn't leave because you were a bad daughter... he left because he was an a$$h0le!!!  My father is the same way and I used to wonder what I did wrong also.... but I was a baby and struggling to survive so I couldn't have done anything wrong.  We have no control over what our parents do with their lives.  I am very angry at your father for doing what he did.

I love you!

Trinity

You promised you wouldn't make yourself throw up, sis.  You know it will ruin your beautiful teeth and your mom will find out soon!!! Please don't do it anymore... please... I know you would tell me the same thing...

I love you!

Trinity

Please please don't purge. It screws up your body so badly. I used to be bulimic. It's not worth it. Your teeth rot, you lose the enamel and your digestive system slows down. You get reflux and the acid burns. blood vessels start bursting in your nose and especially in your eyes. my eyes used to look so red from all the burst blood vessels.

don't let something like this ruin your life. you are worth so much more than that

hi huny....i just read your last three entries....sorry i cudnt do it earlier cuz im neck deep in studies...!!
well..about ur "dad"...well.....ur a beautiful person and he should have realised that...dont blame yourself for his mistakes......you blamed yourself and took responsibility when he dint cook dinner....well..this is much more than that and well...its not your job to look after everyone.....you can try helping but sometimes u gotta just let go princess!!
secondly..about wat aden told you...if david is really throwin up blood and all.....and he wants you to go see him....he should tell you.....again...i wanna tell you...he isnt your responsibility...he's his mom's responsibility and if she jus doesn't care why do you....if he's close to you...help him...talk to him but if he doesn't listen....you CANNOT blame yourself!!!

and yea....about this entry....i cant believe it....why are you doing this to yourself......being thin isnt the greatest thing in the world......and i bet you're not fat either.....i know....you wanna lose weight..so does every other girl but i agree w